This is a Spiritual Hunger, Intertwined with Physical Hunger

I vividly remember the first time I entered the Overeaters Anonymous community I was a true bankrupt. A physical bankrupt living with heavy weight, large size, and a figure that had deviated from its form. A mental bankrupt feeling anger and hatred day and night. A spiritual bankrupt filled with feelings of inadequacy and unpleasantness. In addition to the weightiness of my body and the heaviness of emotions doubly pulling me down, I could hardly bear the weight of my soul and my body.
I entered the Overeaters Anonymous community with numerous doubts. The day before my first meeting I’d had a harsh argument with my husband and son due to a pre-existing issue, under the influence of obsessions and bizarre drawings, strict boundaries, and my perfectionism. I regretted creating tension and decided to cook dinner to restore the lost peace of our lives. Food was the currency of reconciliation for all my battles with life. A few moments of peace were established, but with a single inappropriate joke from my son at the dinner table, I turned the home environment into a battlefield again, and this time my husband, who always played the role of peacemaker, could not handle the tremors of this breakdown. Angered, I left the dinner table and sought refuge in the bedroom, pulling the blanket over my head, and cried from the bottom of my heart, as I used to do as a child. A few moments later, when I had calmed down, I took a picture of myself with my phone. Although I immediately deleted it, I saw myself for a moment and realized I was destroying my life. I had never before had the courage to see myself in moments of anger and frustration.
Much later on, during Step Two, I realised that the nature of my illness was such that I would not engage in any game unless I was sure of victory. I always tried to be the hero of others’ lives and the bankrupter of my own. My life had two colours: black and white, with no middle ground. I easily passed by the big issues of my life and dwelled, for a long time, on the trivial matters. Like the dinner table that was supposed to bring peace, but did not, only making me more restless and despondent. That night, I was a loser, an emotional bankrupt, and a broken person seeking refuge in my room. I was seeking attention aimlessly, which I could not find. When my husband and son went to sleep, I found myself standing in front of the fridge, facing the pot of cold food inside and ate as much as I could.
In the very first Overeaters Anonymous meeting I attended, I heard shares that seemed like everyone else had also experienced the bitter night I had gone through, searching for food in the cold pot, in the fridge, and in the cabinets. They all shared a common pain with me.
The only question raised was, what problem did we have?
The scene of getting up from the dinner table and seeing the puzzled looks of my husband and son, asking what they had done wrong to make mom fall apart again, did not leave my mind. Why didn’t I ever know what I was doing to myself? My frameworks were constantly changing, and my frustrations with others were growing. The boundaries of my relationships with others were getting narrower and narrower, encompassing the instability of my entire life.

In the course of The Steps, I realised that I had made weapons out of food and emotions, with which I had hurt the lives of those around me and, of course, my own life. “The most anonymous servant of the meeting is God.” A member shared this beautiful sentence in one of the meetings. I thought about it a lot, and realised that the most anonymous person who had been harmed by me in the past was God. I always blamed God for all of my despair and restlessness. I would say, “Don’t you see me?! Who said you are just?” With kindness God listened to all of this, just like the guides and old members, who often have this godly attitude, did too. In the face of all my restlessness, they patiently listened to my words and invited me to peace. When we pass through this restless state and find comfort, we realise just how much we have been arrogant and ungrateful. On the very top of my Step Eight amends list was God.
I do not know what happened in that first meeting, but I continued to attend meetings. Maybe there was nothing special or extraordinary, but I heard things in these meetings that I had not found in any of the previous diets I had tried. The colourful table was not laid out in front of me here. After the prayer for peace, they took my hand, embraced me, and said, “You have come to the best place in the world; we have been waiting for you.”
I have never, even until today, understood the cause of my despair and restlessness. But I know that things happen to me suddenly that empty my heart, and even though everything is in it’s right place, fear and anxiety engulf my entire being. My heart races, and I see the person in the mirror, myself, as inadequate once again. I see myself as an unworthy mother, an inadequate wife, and an unworthy guide. In the past, I had the same feelings about myself: I saw myself as an unworthy daughter to my parents, I did not like myself, and I thought I was not enough.
In the psychological aspect, mental obsession also becomes active in me, I put myself under the microscope and indulge in self-criticism. I condemn the behaviors of the past few years and the past few days, and I become a factory producing negative thoughts. I have the same negative feelings and thoughts: If I hadn’t said this! or If I hadn’t written that sentence! or If I hadn’t said that! …it would have been better! So, now that I have done these things, and I am no longer likable, I forget all of the good promises of the program, and I find myself in front of the refrigerator. And again, the cycle repeats itself, when I get stuck in different emotions, I choose different foods. In Step One, I realised that behind every inclination I have towards a particular food, there is a mental image or a hidden memory, and emotions convince me to use a particular food to soothe myself. “Special food at times of special emotions.”
I thought I was supposed to get a diet plan in the meetings to help me reach my ideal weight, but I realised that this was not the case. My story, food, weight, and size are complex issues and I need the presence of God for spiritual peace: the God who is right here.
In the mental storms that were created for me, I sought the best feeling. It is well written in our literature that my happiness doesn’t depend on whether I reach my ideal weight or not.
I had reached the desired weight and size many times, so why had not despair and restlessness left me? Because this was a spiritual hunger linked to a physical hunger. Physical hunger always became an excuse for spiritual hunger, and deceitfully said: It solves problems and issues. I was not living by the rules that God had designed for order in life. In fact, I had disrupted the order of existence.

My first disorderliness was weight, size, and an inappropriate image that had been entrusted to me. I could not be a spiritual person, but I was very clever and put myself in the position of a spiritual human. I needed to gradually return to normalcy from the issues that had set me back. My help came from aligning my program and meal plans in a triangle, and I learned to refrain from choosing food when experiencing spiritual hunger. I learned to use food for energy so I could be a worthy instrument in God’s hands and serve. I learned to spend my time empathizing with others. I am not seeking extraordinary feats for spirituality. I learned to do even the smallest tasks with calmness, for example, closing doors more gently at home, driving more sensibly, and being a calmer citizen. I realized that I can be calm, and while I will not claim to be free from tension, its duration has become shorter than before.Now I sleep more peacefully at night and have a better balance in my steps.
Today, I am certain that amidst all the problems and thoughts that occupy my mind, there is a God who is completely protective and watchful over me.
(Persian-Speaking Members’ Experience)

                                                             -Iran