Members’ Experience I Return Again

I thought God had forgotten me after relapse, but when I returned to the meetings, I realized it was another call from God.
The fellowship helps me in my relationship with my Higher Power and other individuals. Abstinence provides clarity for me to remain open to the messages from my Higher Power: I listen to my body’s wisdom and hear the voice of my Higher Power in the guidance, the voice of my recovery companion, and in the shares during meetings. I pray to see and hear others through God’s eyes and ears. I open my heart to receive spiritual gifts, which include acceptance, forgiveness, freedom, and serenity of my soul as I heal, so I may share these gifts with others.
My relationship with my Higher Power has expanded and deepened since returning to OA. I came to OA because I felt the impact on my self-esteem and relationships. Through working on the steps in a program, I found a personal and loving God and realized I needed to ask for help. But I didn’t believe that God was actually interested in what I ate.
Then, that same Higher Power guided me to the “Maintaining a Healthy Weight” journal. Upon reading it, I knew God was leading me to OA for healing. I discovered an OA meeting in the virtual space! I truly listened and engaged in the meetings and shares. I prayed for willingness and saw myself participating in the shares of returning members. With my awareness opened, denial disappeared. I realized that my Higher Power cares about what I eat, just as a mother cares about what her children eat. This was my first serious awakening in OA. What a relief to understand that mindless eating isn’t a battle I have to win on my own. Mindless eating is a physical illness with an emotional cause and a spiritual remedy.
“God, humbly I ask that you nourish my body, heart, and soul. You know what I need, and when I’m afraid and powerless. Help me surrender myself and my loved ones to you and your divine timing. Help me be in the hands of your love and peace, and today, I’ve resolved to serve as you command.” Every morning, I pray. I lift the veil of disobedience and commit to recovery. I was suggested to write a Step Ten inventory with a returning member. It was tough, but I did it.
Arguing: In the last week before my relapse, I argued with my neighbor over a trivial matter for hours. In the midst of the argument, I realized it was futile but continued anyway.
Selfishness: On the day of my relapse, during a family gathering that I enjoyed, I monopolized all the time and kept boasting about myself. I knew it was wrong but continued anyway.
Self-Satisfaction: In my last conversation with my sponsor, I felt I understood things better.
Disobedience: When I reviewed my food plan, I didn’t want my abstinence portions to be that way.
Denial: When my loved ones told me I wasn’t eating peacefully, I replied that everything was calm.
Depression: I didn’t answer the phone again, didn’t take a shower, and had no reason to clean the house.
Dishonesty: Three nights before my relapse, I lied about the amount I had eaten.
Eating craving foods: Although I knew I had sugar addiction, I consumed a diet soda.
Excessive fatigue: Suddenly, my age in my ID seemed old to me, and I even felt unable to do things and constantly felt tired.
Expecting too much from others: Why didn’t my sponsor call me? Why did that man stand up on the bus, and a thousand other “Whys” made my connection with others severed.

Forgetting gratitude: I didn’t see any reason for gratitude, and my notebook was empty of any thanksgiving.
Hopelessness: I was hopeless not only about weight loss through the fellowship but about everything. I imprisoned myself in my room with constant sadness and listened to sad music.
Remorse: There were moments when I couldn’t sit still, feeling an emptiness in my heart. To soothe it, I indulged in overdrinking.
It is not happening to me: My spouse told me, “I think you’re eating too much fruit. Is this diet not ruining you?” I replied loudly, “It’s not happening to me.”
Carelessness and neglecting discipline: I took casual walks and didn’t even bother to put my shoes in the shoe rack.
Pitying myself: A voice in my head said, “You’re so unfortunate that you’re even helpless to eat.”
Using food to alter mood: I was heavily reliant on overdrinking.
Avarice: I found myself trapped again in the cycle of avarice.
My perception was that I had experienced spiritual relapse long before the physical relapse.